Airports are so cool. Hanging around at the airport is definitely the best part about travelling, you get to be in a reserved boarding area for as long as you want, eating, chilling and eating. I mean, that’s kind of the dream right?
That being said, the airport is like the father of all locker rooms. There isn’t a single locker room in the world with more men and women taking their belts off day in and day out. People in line putting all their stuff into little boxes and taking off small pieces of their clothes only so that in the end a little machine beeps and you get your body slightly violated by someone of your own gender. How wonderful.
I actually have a history with those, I’d say 90% of the time I’m passing through the metal detector that thing beeps. So, for however is shoving metal down my clothes, if you’re listening to this please stop, it stopped being funny after the first time. But seriously.. I don’t get it, maybe I swallowed a spoon as a kid or my dad is actually magneto and I’ll forever carry the burden of dropping the beat by the boarding gates.
One time, not too long ago, as I was about to pass the metal detector I realised I had forgotten to take off my belt. It was that awkward moment where the policeman on the other side was asking me to go through but I was trying to make the man working on the carpet thingy notice me. Which didn’t happen, therefore it beeped, as usual, but this time I had a belt and immediately told the guy, not sure if he thought me blaming the belt was too suspicious or if my slight moment of doubt before passing through the detector made me look guilty of something. Either way the man was terribly suspicious of me. He asked me if I carried any metal and here is where we need to take a break and have you, the reader, understand me. I’m an idiot, I have a big sense of humour but I’m mostly just an idiot. My reply to that question which seemed like the most natural thing to say was “no, not besides the bombs at least *stupid smile comes out as I look at the policewoman standing next to the man who was talking to me* just kidding, I am not carrying anything”. The lady found it funny because it was unexpected given the situation but the guy pushed me against the wall and proceeded to lecture me about not joking about this sort of thing as his hands checked me up.
The guy scared the living crap out of me and as for the lady she kept laughing and just told me to be careful with stuff like that because apparently I could of been held for that. Anyway, that was the last time I told anything close to a joke at an airport and to be honest I take the whole process a little more seriously mostly because the man is to this date the most intimidating figure I’ve ever encountered.
It’s been a while since I last posted something and to be honest it’s just because nothing really has happened.
Right now I am overwhelmed with work, been going to university everyday for the whole day just to finish all projects and study for these little tests and it’s not even exams time yet.. So with my life revolving on university it becomes quite boring for any outsider. Although it probably was before as well.
Tomorrow I do have a project presentation and if all goes well me and my group get a good mark and that’s it, if not we all likely fail the subject, nice. I am supposed to introduce the whole presentation, so a little bit like Steve Jobs introducing the first iPhone I have to make everyone believe that this new idea we have though it’s not new and not necessarily good will make their life’s better. I’m not a big fan of Steve Jobs as a person but I did watch a few of his presentations before making my speech and well.. He was good! Good at selling stuff, good at making people believe whatever he was selling was ground-breaking. The project we developed (basically a tourism related app) is pretty solid and quite innovative to be honest but if the presentation is bad then there’s no point, products just don’t “sell” by themselves and we are not Google so it’s not like we can have people buy something based on our reputation.
I digress, hopefully I won’t let this blog die due to a boring love-lacking life. Or slowly turn this into some tech nerdy blog like I was slowly doing with my previous paragraph. That being said, and on a bit more serious note, with exams knocking already I am sure I’ll have very little interesting stuff to talk about in the next month or so, and unlike my YouTube channel I do not want to just come here and rant about random stuff. I’ll be around.
Another week has pasted and with that come the time for another Take. In case you are new to my blog or simply haven’t realised, some posts are “Takes” which, unlike other regular blog posts, are very personal and basically tell a story, my story. A sequence of personal events I guess.
As I mentioned in a previous one, this week I was supposed to call my ex, May, for us to go grab a coffee and so I did. We did have our coffee and it was mostly nice, I avoided awkward silences and we both basically updated each other on our lives and got to just be normal with each other. Everything was going real nice until we decided to go and well I basically said I’d walk her to her car, she seemed to be fine with that and she so offered me to give me a drive drive to the bus stop.
All was just fine but on our way back we talked and discussed about stuff that fully reminded me of when we were in a relationship. It did not feel good.. It reminded me and left me with the same feeling from back when we dated which was not a good one and made me realise something I had mentioned on the last take. That this coffee meet would probably make it clear that we should not be in a relationship, and it did. I hope I’m not making it sound like she is a bad person or anything, because I do not think she is, at all, but I guess she argues too much about things whereas I very much dislike trying to show people they are (possibly) wrong and we do have different opinions in a lot of things. I just don’t like arguing, it’s not rational most of the times and it takes time that could be “wasted” in better ways, although I do understand it is sometimes necessary.
Oh boy… It is finally Wednesday! My dad has flown back home and that means I am back to living by myself. Basically I get to have an organised home, no more silly arguments and more importantly some “me time”.
Currently overloaded with Uni work, plus exams are coming soon. Still haven’t had that coffee with my ex but will aim for Friday since I do have more time and I still remember her schedule, as for Tinder girl we still talk, on Facebook now but no real advancements, she seems sweet though.
But there’s something I’ve been coming to terms with and that is that me and my ex are better off without being a couple, at least for the time being. Now that I’m past my “Oh no we broke up” state of mind I’ve been putting some thought on how our relationship was not working and how much of a bad time I’d sometimes have while with her. I still like her, and like I said before, this relationship might work in the future but till then I’m ok with whatever comes my way. I do feel a need to be with a girl though, it is so weird. I’ve always been fairly ok with being single, I always enjoyed going out and having the ability to just talk to any girl I wanted. However, for the first time, it’s as if there is something missing.. I’ve never had a long term serious relationship and therefore it’s not like I’m used to being in one, but I guess I’m just too much of a “needy” guy . Anyway, yes I’ve been having these weird “needs” and I don’t quite know how to deal with them.
Well… It feels stupid writing that, or at least kind of silly. Either way it is true and I’ll just deal with it, which hopefully will go smoothly. “It’s all smooth sailing from here on out”…
You know when weird things just happen one after another, and you can’t really explain anything but you just go with it? Well… welcome to my weekend.
So let’s start from the very beginning, a very good place to start, “When you sing you begin with do re mi, do re mi”. Sorry, I had to. Anyway, as if my dad’s staying over wasn’t awkward enough, Friday I dreamt about a previous love interest of mine and I mean the one before last. Let’s call my last girlfriend (the one on previous Takes) “May” and the one before that as “Ann” (inb4: none of these are their actual names, pretty similar though). So I dreamt about “Ann” for 3 nights in a row until last night, which is really weird since we haven’t seen each other since December.
So far, a bit weird but not too bad. I guess dreaming about your ex(s) is acceptable since they did have an impact on your life, still, three nights in a row! More than that I all of a sudden get a text this Saturday on freaking Tinder (which I hadn’t even used for aaaages though I remember a few friends using it on my phone) from this 24 year old girl who funny enough studies at the same Uni as “May” and is from the same hometown as me (1500km away from where I live now). Well we’ve been talking and she is gorgeous but that’s basically it, if anything happens I’ll definitely talk about it, but for now this it’s just a pretty awkward situation which I’m actually finding funny.
And that’s all.
Nop! Just kidding, today my mind blew… Puff. Was sitting on the couch with my dad, watching a movie after lunch (he was sleeping like an old man though) when I get a call from May. I don’t know about you, but I’m not used to getting calls from an ex 3 weeks after we break up. “Just called to check if you were all right and to talk a little” .. Now that was unexpected. We talked for about 20mins I believe and it was nice, kind of a Dejavu since we used to do it all the time. We both had a few life updates, she asked about me and my dad, we talked about our vacation together and in the end we decided we’d go for a coffee next week.
I think this is good. If anything it’ll remind me why me and her don’t work as a couple and allow me to not have THAT night (which was so good and cute) as our last one. Sometimes closure should be realistic and harsh, and maybe that’s what I need. Or this could just mean we’ll eventually get back together again or one of us will try at least.. Anywhere the wind blows, I guess I’ll accept it just like many times before.
And finally Friday is upon us.. Made my escape back to the coffee shop, avoiding my dad has become quite a priority these days I guess. And apparently so has blogging.
Here’s a life lesson, never plan a trip with your girlfriend/boyfriend too ahead of time. Around three months ago me and a few friends were organising this vacation, at the same time me and my ex were doing just fine so it felt obvious I’d ask her to come with us, and I did. Now what does this mean? Well, there is a paid house for 11 people to stay for a week in more or less 3 months and one of those people is my ex. I can’t tell if this is good, terrifying or simply awkward but unless she decides not to go it’s going to happen and we’ll be dealing with it. Me and my ex in the same house for a week.
Knowing myself, unless I’ve found my long waited princess till then, which is highly unlikely given my lack of effort and retarded standards, I’ll probably try and get back together with her. Clearly a poor move. So one thing me and her always did well was have fun when going out and we’re all definitely going out a few times there, plus the house is near the beach and it has a pool that belongs to the surrounding houses. It seemed to be so perfect for us to go as a couple, and now here I am.. plotting my final desperate attempt of going back to a previously not-working relationship. Genius.
Here I am, sitting at the coffee shop, drinking my coffee and eating a slice of brownie that despite my constant self reminder to not waste money on random things I end up ordering far more than I probably should. First thing I did after ordering my coffee was spill it, I know, classy. So much for the classy chill guy sitting at the coffee shop writing stuff on his phone, Nop. I am the guy who spills his coffee, however the lady was kind enough and gave me another one.
Now calmer, I think I could introduce myself here. Haven’t had the chance since this blog is basically the most random idea I’ve ever had. Well my name is Luís, I go by Asura because I’ve had that nickname for ages and I still use it for my YouTube channel (more on that in a bit), I am currently 21, live by myself in a small apartment in Oporto all while studying engineering at University. I currently don’t work, I do make YouTube videos of myself playing video games and it’s just a hobby, I can’t consider it any more than that specially since I earn close to nothing. So that’s that, no more info for now I guess, Oh, I’m currently single which if you don’t know just means you haven’t read my previous posts (totally understandable, I wouldn’t either.. but still, you might find them interesting).
On a small update since my last post, I haven’t texted my ex… great! But seriously, I’m still in that after break-up mode where I’m expecting to meet her somewhere randomly, looking at other girls that are debatably somewhat similar to her and wondering if its her and obviously still expecting a sudden urge from her part to be with me. I’m so realistic it hurts… Anyway, I’ll be continuing my “Takes” today or tomorrow, there is still at least one story too interesting not to be told.
That being said, thank you for reading, I didn’t expect anyone to find my blog but apparently there are a few of you.
It’s been 4 days since the break-up.. 2 days since I sat down at a coffee shop, asked for my typical short strong coffee and wrote away which eventually led to me starting this blog. Also, it’s been 3 days since the party I had previously talked about.
Remember? The party where I had placed all my hopes of my relationship getting better? Right before it ended? Well I did go, with my friends and so did she, with hers. I call it a party but it’s this uni event where there are bars everywhere and concerts and basically everyone’s excuse to get real drunk. Though the place was big I did see her, well technically.. I felt a soft hand on my lower back and turned around to see her. With her soft red lipstick and her loose hair (which I always loved and annoyed her to not tie it up) she let go of a subtle and mostly polite smile and just went “Hey…”. We kissed each other’s cheeks, hugged, talked for like 2mins and went on with our lives. Saw each other a few more times and she’d always come talk to me even if I didn’t approach her and it was always a bit awkward yet I felt like kissing her every time, but decided against it out of respect I guess.
Before leaving the place with a few friends (around 6am) I texted her saying I was leaving and apologising for possibly not being too natural around her that night and saying I hoped she had enjoyed herself. Hate to admit it, but part of me wished she had replied before I got to my ride. Just asking me to go meet her before I left or maybe just trying to get a conversation going. But nop, apparently she had already left. She did reply the next day and with a super sweet text saying she enjoyed being with me and that despite everything I can always count on her and that she didn’t want us to become strangers.
Now, a few days after it all and just trying to deal with this whole break-up. Last Monday my dad flew here for a visit, great! I am going through a not so bright moment in my life, all I need is a person I don’t really get along with to stay at my house, sleep with me and disorganise my little apartment.. Yes, me and my dad don’t have the best relationship, he was a very absent dad when I was a kid, he wasn’t a good husband for my mom and he never really cared till recently to be honest. Moving on.. I wish I had a little more “me” time, which I’ll hopefully get tomorrow by just pretend to be in class and go sit at a coffee shop and chill, maybe write something different for the blog and try not to text her. Which is the best most ironic part: “thy not to text her”, why try? I mean, two weeks ago I bought a pack of cigarettes (which is really rare since I don’t smoke, only sporadically) and went for a walk by the sea because I she made me feel so down. Like I said before, I’m kind of a hopeless believer and I just kept believing it would get better. And part of me still does…
We talked, we both felt the same way towards the other and though I wanted us to keep trying I guess she was a bit more realistic and decided it would be better to end it. I’m actually not being too honest here, I’m making it seem as if she said she wanted to end it from the start, which is not entirely true since we did talk for hours and hours before making a decision together (though it was not the decision I wanted). After hours of sitting on the couch with her crying on top of me and saying how she is so scared of ending up alone and that she wished she loved me more because apparently I am an “amazingly nice guy”, we broke up. The thing is, she cried, a lot, and we talked, a lot, and still, even though I know this was not working out and that this break up was a big possibility for a while (even from my part) I can’t not be in a state of full emptiness.
I am a guy (pretty sure you guessed that by now), and I do tend to be very rational about life, however I am an emotional being (right?) and I embrace my emotions and I try to be as honest as possible. And though I know I was in a relationship that didn’t make me happy most of the time, I still can’t deal with this well. I still am waiting for her to suddenly realise she misses me, for her to show up at my house and just simply say “Hey, I miss you..”. This is not rational, I know, but it’s the way I feel and yes, maybe if that were to happen we’d go back to a relationship that does not work and maybe I’d be missing the chance of finding someone amazing somewhere someday just like I thought I had three months ago. Life is full of opportunities and I just want mine, we only need one right? One person, one moment, one small little sign that makes you go “wow.. This is it”. Maybe I’ll never get that, maybe I already did and didn’t notice. Who cares right? Just keep waiting because who knows, she might be the right girl at the wrong time or maybe this is the right time and I just need the right girl.
Three months ago, I go out with a few friends and my friend’s girlfriend brings this gorgeous girl. Later that night after a few (not many actually) drinks and a bit of dancing I turn over to her and with a confidence so not mine, but of a guy who needs and is slowly loosing hope of finding someone (at this point I had recently come out of a complicated situation), I tell her “you know.. I actually have to kiss you now” and with her eyes looking up at me, surprised and slightly confused, she let’s a little smile out and I believe what happened next is pretty obvious. For the following months we went to movie theatres, walks by the sea, bunch of coffee shops, restaurants, you name it.
This seems so perfect right? If only for the fact that we didn’t really feel strongly for each other. Kissing was good, holding hands was cute, hugging was adorable but there was just emptiness after we were together, other times not just emptiness but actual sadness. The truth is, I try very hard to be the best person I can to everyone and she for some reason was often, and to say it straight, mean to me and she knew it, she admitted and kept saying she wasn’t actually like that. The lack of affection was a problem for me.. I was the one that had to have the initiative only for her to sometimes actually get a bit annoyed from a simple kiss on her cheek.
One day, at her house, roughly one month before we broke up we had the exact same conversation as the day our relationship ended. We both agreed at the time however, that we would give this a shot because technically we did like each other (quite a lot). Clearly things didn’t change and this leads all the way back (technically forward) to where I was a few lines (paragraphs? posts? full book?) back. We were at my house, and it’s important to state that the next day we’d be going out to a party together. Why is this important? Well, not since our first day together had we been at, in her words, “100% as two” and we both knew that. Therefor as a hopeless, never quitting believer I thought that might be the chance. A full dejavu of the day we had met, a situation where I’d try, and I mean TRY with everything I can to make this girl and myself happy, having fun together and just, in a really dark and possibly dumb analogy, set fire to gasoline. Well, I did not get that chance.