The eternal contemplation of being born uncool

Being in my early 20s, genetically given curly brown hair, white skin, poor eye sight, big nose, big feet and a probably above average amount of body hair for a man my age, means I was genetically imposed to be uncool. Therefore I have to lean on my green eyes for any sort of natural swagger.

This is the part in the post where most people would say “but screw society standards! I’m beautiful just as I am”. But this is not that kind of post. Here’s the thing: how can I expect people to not have standards and then have standards of my own? Because, just like everyone else (despite being able to admit it or not), I do have standards for what I consider an attractive woman. And it is undeniably true that society’s standards have influenced, one way or another, my own taste and what I’m looking for in the long run. From the day we’re born, we’re exposed to what’s good and bad, to what’s acceptable and unacceptable and what’s pretty and what isn’t, and it is impossible to deny it influenced who we are and how we think. This is fine, because it’s up to you, at whatever point in your life, to acknowledge all this and do with it whatever you want. More important than establishing our own tastes, is to understand how deeply influenced we are by what’s around us (specially in this day and age) and find our own way of establishing ourselves as an individual that is undeniably part of a society.

Circling back to what I was originally talking about, I might come off as your typical low self esteem individual trying to make some sense out of the fact that I don’t look like a movie star. But that’s not the case, not entirely at least. I consider myself a pretty good looking dude, that strives to keep it that way by exercising, taking care of my appearance and wearing whatever I feel is the perfect balance of comfort and style. I think it is important to feel good about the way you look, and if you don’t, then working to improve is the way to go, always in a healthy way. Once you’re able to reach that, then it is fine to bend a little and try to appeal to that special one or whoever it is you want to impress.

Being happy with our own body is a big step when it comes to loving ourselves. Though of course it is even easier when you have someone by your side – a constant support and reminder that we’re loved. Even though I believe these two aspects are separate, one can lead to the other, in either way. Stay healthy and happy!

No plans and no feelings

Well weeks come and go, some feel like they last forever, some are short and sweet, others, like this past one, feel short but will probably be in my mind for a long time.

First things first, turns out I still have some guts… Texting my ex was hard enough, having her lay out that she feels like she “can’t be dependent on me to be happy” and that “she hates herself and pretty much everything about her current life” was even harder. I never tried to create that sort of dependency, when I’d say that I wanted to make her happy I just meant it in a “let’s be happy together” kind of way. So to have her give up on our relationship, preparing to leave the country (assuming that’s ever happening) and giving the impression that she still has feelings for me and misses my company is really a pain. And I’ve talked about pain here in the blog, it sucks, don’t believe if people tell you otherwise.

That being said, I’m in a really weird place. I clearly have feelings for someone I might never see again, and yes those feelings will eventually fade, but I have literally no foreseeable future when it comes to relationships. I’ve mentioned before that I live alone and have my family 1500 km away from me, so her company and our plans were always the best thing about being here (and video-games, having no restrictions is awesome).

But let’s get serious here: how on earth do people in their mid 20s (like myself) meet new people? I have a full time job (not interested in dating anyone I work with), no single interesting friends (all dating or just actual friends) and I don’t go out. I was never the kind of guy that enjoyed going out to clubs much, I did a lot of that back when I was in university because of my friends but now that’s done, I still like going to bars but if I tell my friends it’s just weird since everyone is in a relationship… How on earth does life work now? I need a guide. A guide to meet people, a guide to keep myself busy during the weekend, a guide to do something with my life.

Send help, this dude is going through a midlife crisis in his 20s, its ridiculous… I probably need to get a dog.

Is it time?

Welcome to big decisions week.

Lets start off strong here shall we? First big decision is weather I should accept a new job proposal I got, slightly better pay, better work but also more demanding. Also means leaving 2 close friends I have in this job and a few other awesome people I’ve met here during these 6months. The decision: hell yeah! Got asked to be an android mobile developer and that’s exactly what I want, sure it is a risk but I’m 24, I either take those now or I never will.

Second big decision, and topically more in-line with what I write in this blog: do I text my ex girlfriend this week? Now this one I’d need someone else to decide for me. As bad as our relationship got, I still feel she’s the love of my life. A cutie that changed my life and made me believe I could actually share it’s entirety with someone else, someone that held me high enough to feel appreciated but saw me for what I was, and never made me feel like I needed to be anything else. And for this decision I have no answer, not yet.

I need some godlike guidance in my life right now.. Every decision I can make right now regarding her seems wrong and possibly self damaging, each move I make these days reminds me of her and I have to do something about that. I let her get away once before and it hurt, got over it fine but now it’s different, now we had been together almost 3 years and I now know how happy we can be and I want that back.

I guess I’m in full selfish mode? Not sure, since making her happy makes me enjoy life in a way I didn’t know I could before. Now, it’s not all good memories, I know that and that’s something I’d want her to work with me and together understand what it is that does not work and how we can fix it. If I do contact her in any way, I just hope the outcome is decisive, no more half-sure decisions, half-understood reasons and half-baked lies. Sometimes it feels like the only solution is to have someone hit me with a baseball bat in the head so I could be knocked out for a few days, see what happens.

Either way, I’m glad I got to hold her against me last time we were together, I just don’t want that to be the last time.

Airport joke gone wrong

Airports are so cool. Hanging around at the airport is definitely the best part about travelling, you get to be in a reserved boarding area for as long as you want, eating, chilling and eating. I mean, that’s kind of the dream right?

That being said, the airport is like the father of all locker rooms. There isn’t a single locker room in the world with more men and women taking their belts off day in and day out. People in line putting all their stuff into little boxes and taking off small pieces of their clothes only so that in the end a little machine beeps and you get your body slightly violated by someone of your own gender. How wonderful.

I actually have a history with those, I’d say 90% of the time I’m passing through the metal detector that thing beeps. So, for whoever is shoving metal down my clothes, if you’re listening to this please stop, it stopped being funny after the first time. But seriously.. I don’t get it, maybe I swallowed a spoon as a kid or my dad is actually magneto and I’ll forever carry the burden of dropping the beat by the boarding gates.

One time, not too long ago, as I was about to pass the metal detector I realised I had forgotten to take off my belt. It was that awkward moment where the policeman on the other side was asking me to go through but I was trying to make the man working on the carpet thingy notice me. Which didn’t happen, therefore it beeped, as usual, but this time I had a belt and immediately told the guy, not sure if he thought me blaming the belt was too suspicious or if my slight moment of doubt before passing through the detector made me look guilty of something. Either way the man was terribly suspicious of me. He asked me if I carried any metal and here is where we need to take a break and have you, the reader, understand me. I’m an idiot, I have a big sense of humour but I’m mostly just an idiot. My reply to that question which seemed like the most natural thing to say was “no, not besides the bombs at least *stupid smile comes out as I look at the policewoman standing next to the man who was talking to me* just kidding, I am not carrying anything”. The lady found it funny because it was unexpected given the situation but the guy pushed me against the wall and proceeded to lecture me about not joking about this sort of thing as his hands checked me up.

The guy scared the living crap out of me and as for the lady she kept laughing and just told me to be careful with stuff like that because apparently I could of been held for that. Anyway, that was the last time I told anything close to a joke at an airport and to be honest I take the whole process a little more seriously mostly because the man is to this date the most intimidating figure I’ve ever encountered.

Quite Stale…

It’s been a while since I last posted something and to be honest it’s just because nothing really has happened.

Right now I am overwhelmed with work, been going to university everyday for the whole day just to finish all projects and study for these little tests and it’s not even exams time yet.. So with my life revolving on university it becomes quite boring for any outsider. Although it probably was before as well.

Tomorrow I do have a project presentation and if all goes well me and my group get a good mark and that’s it, if not we all likely fail the subject, nice. I am supposed to introduce the whole presentation, so a little bit like Steve Jobs introducing the first iPhone I have to make everyone believe that this new idea we have though it’s not new and not necessarily good will make their life’s better. I’m not a big fan of Steve Jobs as a person but I did watch a few of his presentations before making my speech and well.. He was good! Good at selling stuff, good at making people believe whatever he was selling was ground-breaking.  The project we developed (basically a tourism related app) is pretty solid and quite innovative to be honest but if the presentation is bad then there’s no point, products just don’t “sell” by themselves and we are not Google so it’s not like we can have people buy something based on our reputation.

I digress, hopefully I won’t let this blog die due to a boring love-lacking life. Or slowly turn this into some tech nerdy blog like I was slowly doing with my previous paragraph. That being said, and on a bit more serious note, with exams knocking already I am sure I’ll have very little interesting stuff to talk about in the next month or so, and unlike my YouTube channel I do not want to just come here and rant about random stuff. I’ll be around.

Take #7 – The Coffee Meet

Another week has pasted and with that come the time for another Take. In case you are new to my blog or simply haven’t realised, some posts are “Takes” which, unlike other regular blog posts, are very personal and basically tell a story, my story. A sequence of personal events I guess.

As I mentioned in a previous one, this week I was supposed to call my ex, May, for us to go grab a coffee and so I did. We did have our coffee and it was mostly nice, I avoided awkward silences and we both basically updated each other on our lives and got to just be normal with each other. Everything was going real nice until we decided to go and well I basically said I’d walk her to her car, she seemed to be fine with that and she so offered me to give me a drive drive to the bus stop.

All was just fine but on our way back we talked and discussed about stuff that fully reminded me of when we were in a relationship. It did not feel good.. It reminded me and left me with the same feeling from back when we dated which was not a good one and made me realise something I had mentioned on the last take. That this coffee meet would probably make it clear that we should not be in a relationship, and it did. I hope I’m not making it sound like she is a bad person or anything, because I do not think she is, at all, but I guess she argues too much about things whereas I very much dislike trying to show people they are (possibly) wrong and we do have different opinions in a lot of things. I just don’t like arguing, it’s not rational most of the times and it takes time that could be “wasted” in better ways, although I do understand it is sometimes necessary.

[To definitely be continued…]

Needy Boys be like..

Oh boy… It is finally Wednesday! My dad has flown back home and that means I am back to living by myself. Basically I get to have an organised home, no more silly arguments and more importantly some “me time”.

Currently overloaded with Uni work, plus exams are coming soon. Still haven’t had that coffee with my ex but will aim for Friday since I do have more time and I still remember her schedule, as for Tinder girl we still talk, on Facebook now but no real advancements, she seems sweet though.

But there’s something I’ve been coming to terms with and that is that me and my ex are better off without being a couple, at least for the time being. Now that I’m past my “Oh no we broke up” state of mind I’ve been putting some thought on how our relationship was not working and how much of a bad time I’d sometimes have while with her. I still like her, and like I said before, this relationship might work in the future but till then I’m ok with whatever comes my way. I do feel a need to be with a girl though, it is so weird. I’ve always been fairly ok with being single, I always enjoyed going out and having the ability to just talk to any girl I wanted. However, for the first time, it’s as if there is something missing.. I’ve never had a long term serious relationship and therefore it’s not like I’m used to being in one, but I guess I’m just too much of a “needy” guy . Anyway, yes I’ve been having these weird “needs” and I don’t quite know how to deal with them.

Well… It feels stupid writing that, or at least kind of silly. Either way it is true and I’ll just deal with it, which hopefully will go smoothly. “It’s all smooth sailing from here on out”…

Take #6 – The Weekend

You know when weird things just happen one after another, and you can’t really explain anything but you just go with it? Well… welcome to my weekend.

So let’s start from the very beginning, a very good place to start, “When you sing you begin with do re mi, do re mi”. Sorry, I had to. Anyway, as if my dad’s staying over wasn’t awkward enough, Friday I dreamt about a previous love interest of mine and I mean the one before last. Let’s call my last girlfriend (the one on previous Takes) “May” and the one before that as “Ann” (inb4: none of these are their actual names, pretty similar though). So I dreamt about “Ann” for 3 nights in a row until last night, which is really weird since we haven’t seen each other since December.

So far, a bit weird but not too bad. I guess dreaming about your ex(s) is acceptable since they did have an impact on your life, still, three nights in a row! More than that I all of a sudden get a text this Saturday on freaking Tinder (which I hadn’t even used for aaaages though I remember a few friends using it on my phone) from this 24 year old girl who funny enough studies at the same Uni as “May” and is from the same hometown as me (1500km away from where I live now).  Well we’ve been talking and she is gorgeous but that’s basically it, if anything happens I’ll definitely talk about it, but for now this it’s just a pretty awkward situation which I’m actually finding funny.

And that’s all.

Nop! Just kidding, today my mind blew… Puff. Was sitting on the couch with my dad, watching a movie after lunch (he was sleeping like an old man though) when I get a call from May. I don’t know about you, but I’m not used to getting calls from an ex 3 weeks after we break up. “Just called to check if you were all right and to talk a little” .. Now that was unexpected. We talked for about 20mins I believe and it was nice, kind of a Dejavu since we used to do it all the time. We both had a few life updates, she asked about me and my dad, we talked about our vacation together and in the end we decided we’d go for a coffee next week.

I think this is good. If anything it’ll remind me why me and her don’t work as a couple and allow me to not have THAT night (which was so good and cute) as our last one. Sometimes closure should be realistic and harsh, and maybe that’s what I need. Or this could just mean we’ll eventually get back together again or one of us will try at least.. Anywhere the wind blows, I guess I’ll accept it just like many times before.

[To be continued…]

Take #5 – The Awkward Summer

And finally Friday is upon us.. Made my escape back to the coffee shop, avoiding my dad has become quite a priority these days I guess. And apparently so has blogging.

Here’s a life lesson, never plan a trip with your girlfriend/boyfriend too ahead of time. Around three months ago me and a few friends were organising this vacation, at the same time me and my ex were doing just fine so it felt obvious I’d ask her to come with us, and I did. Now what does this mean? Well, there is a paid house for 11 people to stay for a week in more or less 3 months and one of those people is my ex. I can’t tell if this is good, terrifying or simply awkward but unless she decides not to go it’s going to happen and we’ll be dealing with it. Me and my ex in the same house for a week.

Knowing myself, unless I’ve found my long waited princess till then, which is highly unlikely given my lack of effort and retarded standards, I’ll probably try and get back together with her. Clearly a poor move. So one thing me and her always did well was have fun when going out and we’re all definitely going out a few times there, plus the house is near the beach and it has a pool that belongs to the surrounding houses. It seemed to be so perfect for us to go as a couple, and now here I am.. plotting my final desperate attempt of going back to a previously not-working relationship. Genius.

Me Being Me

Here I am, sitting at the coffee shop, drinking my coffee and eating a slice of brownie that despite my constant self reminder to not waste money on random things I end up ordering far more than I probably should. First thing I did after ordering my coffee was spill it, I know, classy. So much for the classy chill guy sitting at the coffee shop writing stuff on his phone, Nop. I am the guy who spills his coffee, however the lady was kind enough and gave me another one.

Now calmer, I think I could introduce myself here. Haven’t had the chance since this blog is basically the most random idea I’ve ever had. Well my name is Luís, I go by Asura because I’ve had that nickname for ages and I still use it for my YouTube channel (more on that in a bit), I am currently 21, live by myself in a small apartment in Oporto all while studying engineering at University. I currently don’t work, I do make YouTube videos of myself playing video games and it’s just a hobby, I can’t consider it any more than that specially since I earn close to nothing. So that’s that, no more info for now I guess, Oh, I’m currently single which if you don’t know just means you haven’t read my previous posts (totally understandable, I wouldn’t either.. but still, you might find them interesting).

On a small update since my last post, I haven’t texted my ex… great! But seriously, I’m still in that after break-up mode where I’m expecting to meet her somewhere randomly, looking at other girls that are debatably somewhat similar to her and wondering if its her and obviously still expecting a sudden urge from her part to be with me. I’m so realistic it hurts… Anyway, I’ll be continuing my “Takes” today or tomorrow, there is still at least one story too interesting not to be told.

That being said, thank you for reading, I didn’t expect anyone to find my blog but apparently there are a few of you.